Friday, 29 July 2011

Calm down dear...

The reason I sent my ex-boyfriend a Happy Birthday text, is because a) I wanted to be nice, b) I would have seemed petty if I didn’t even acknowledge his birthday, and c) I just thought that if the situation were reversed, I would want him to wish me a Happy Birthday.

Incidentally, it was my birthday five days later, and I didn’t get a text. I guess I learnt my lesson. x

I need to stop hurting myself by reading these things. I've just given into my sick temptation and treated myself to a fresh bout of lovey-dovey blog posts, and I'm honestly so dizzy I'm gripping my chair to keep from falling off, and I feel like I could throw up. Nice one Gracie.

What really upsets me though, is that I react this way. I shouldn't still care, but I think that deep down... I really really do. x

Sunday, 24 July 2011

I'm here.

I always get crazy-homesick when I'm on holiday, almost the second I arrive, which is incredibly painful but also kinda good, because it means I have a great life and amazing friends at home (and sometimes even a guy, if I'm lucky). But I've been nothing but happy these past couple of days.
I love waking up in the morning and thinking: "I'm in Australia, with my wonderful family, and I have three weeks of nothing but happy times to look forward to."

Also, Australia is nine hours ahead of English time. Which means... My eighteenth birthday is a whole day earlier! x

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

I'm going to Australia today. I'll be blogging and tweeting (and maybe even texting) as usual, but I still kinda hope you'll miss me. x

2.

Hi, my name's Gracie. I'm obsessed with CSI, I throw great parties, I spend all my money on jewellery and underwear, I try really hard not to stereotype people, I've wanted to get my nose pierced ever since I was five years old, I don't follow the crowd, I make things my own, I'm naturally blonde, I have absolutely no problem going after guys with girlfriends, I am madly in love with Joshua Radin, I have a soulmate 30 miles away, my eyes have earned me a reputation, I tweet every single thought that pops into my head, and I'm perfectly happy the way I am.

I do one of these posts every month. x

Sunday, 17 July 2011

I hate how sensible some guys are. I babbled away to a certain guy for about an hour last night, drunkenly confessing how much I liked him. Things happened (really good things). But he said, sensible as ever, "I've only just got out of a relationship." Then he promised to take me out for dinner, so it's cool. I seem to attract the most sensible of guys. The infamous ex-boyfriend, 11 months younger than me, was more mature than me. My "other guy" is the most responsible, considerate and sensible guy I have ever met - but he also has a crazy side, which I do love. You could say he's perfect. It's all about balance. x

I'm the birthday girl (just for tonight).

It's not my real birthday for two more weeks, but I made a damn good head start. x

I can't even begin to reply to that mega-essay, so I'll keep it simple. I'm happy, I'm happy you're happy and believe it or now... I may have met that prince you mentioned. I'll save the epic reply for later, right now I'm buzzing off the fun from my birthday party last night and the interesting opportunity that presented itself. Watch this space... x

Friday, 15 July 2011

I'm so happy.

For so many reasons. Some of which people know (like the fact that it's my birthday party tomorrow, I have a beautiful silver Pandora bracelet coming my way, I had a great holiday with my best friend last week, and I have some pretty awesome people in my life), and some of which people don't know (and probably shouldn't). x

I'll keep this short, so I don't overdo it and start to gush (which is what usually happens).
You guys sound so happy, and I'm actually really happy for you. I can't explain it, but while I was on holiday last week I felt something change. For the first two days I kept having these horrible thoughts about how the two of you are going on holiday together, blah blah blah.
Then by the third day, something deep in my mind said "that's enough". And I managed to block out every single thought of you that popped into my head; not only that but when I let myself think about it, I didn't feel that stupid stabbing pain I've been having in the chest region... Anyway, I know we'll never be BFF, and I know for a fact he'll never speak to me again. I've known him for over six years; for most of that time I was the girl he asked for advice about the girls he was infatuated with and then as soon as he was in a relationship with them, he vanished. I wouldn't hear from him until that relationship was over. I totally understood and didn't mind at all, and I guess when I was in a relationship with him I thought it was cute that he devoted so much time to me, but I knew deep down that one day it would end and we'd never see each other again. We made these crazy plans to be best friends, and go back to the way things were before... But I knew that just wasn't possible. It's not who he is.

Now, back to you m'dear. As flattered as the ex-girlfriend within me is that you feel this way, you must never feel the need to compete with me. I'm sure that his relationship with me was completely different - it was the first real relationship for both of us, we had so many "firsts" together, and we gave each other the confidence for future relationships. We did genuinely love each other, I hope we'll always remember each other fondly and I would think we'd both want each other to be happy. So there you go.

The only thing that bothers me a tiny bit is that he's confided in you a few private details about his relationship with me - for one thing, I don't want you to think badly of me, and for another I doubt you'll understand exactly what happened and how we both got through it. It's too complicated.

Wow, this turned out to be a bit overdone and gushy after all. Sorry... I might delete this later.
But first I'll make a few promises of my own...

1) I'll shut up very soon and let you get on with your lives.
2) If I get the chance, like if I run into you in town sometime, I'll say a nice hello and apologize. Or y'know, if I don't have the courage to do all that, I'll just smile and hopefully you'll know what I mean.
3) I'll try and find someone soon. (This is more of a promise to myself.)

Thank you, I appreciate you being so nice to me - I wouldn't blame you if you hired someone to whack me! x

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

I really do.

I'm not a bad person... Am I?

Words cannot describe how happy I am that the guy from college that I kinda fancy has broken up with his psychotic, clingy girlfriend. I actually danced around the room when I found out. x

The reason I "despise" you...

Let's see. Last year I had a really difficult time for several months; I had some big decisions to make and I was struggling because I didn't know how I really felt, and I didn't want anyone to get hurt. So naturally, I turned to my best girl friend in the whole world. We sat and had cups of hot chocolate and I told her everything that I was going through. I told her the terrible things I'd done, and that I had no idea what to do. She was brilliant; she hugged me and we talked for ages about what my options were and the general outcome was: "follow your heart." N'awww.

Then a few nights later I received a hideous amount of abuse online, via Formspring (aka Cowards' Paradise). The things that some anonymous people had posted to me made several clear references to the very private matters I was dealing with (in a very distasteful way). So I knew my best friend must have told someone these things I told her in confidence. And I knew exactly who she'd told. I sat in front of my computer and cried my eyes out, called her and tearfully asked what the hell was going on. She explained that she had just meant to get me some more help, and apologized no end.
I didn't talk to her for months, but eventually we made up. She turned up on my doorstep, we cried and apologised to each other and sorted it all out. She made the effort.

You, on the other hand... Not only did you instigate the vicious rumours, post all those nasty comments on to me Formspring, bitch non-stop about me with your group of pals, and get your friends to text me anonymously to call me a "knobhead"... When you're finally done tormenting me, we don't speak for months and I'm finally feeling better, you start it all up again. Via Twitter this time. Y'know, I think if you said any of this bullshit to my face, I might feel a little worse. Sure, what I did was wrong, but a) you don't know the whole story, and b) you don't even have the balls to say it to my face. You're hiding behind your computer screen. Nice one.

I don't regret what I did at all. And you can say whatever you want, but you will never ever change my mind, and you will never get to me. So there's your reason. I don't generally hold grudges, but in your case... I will hold onto this forever. x

I love this film.

I'm watching "Valentine's Day" with my little sister. I've only seen it three times; twice at the cinema, once when my friend brought her DVD over to my house. I saw it on Valentine's Day 2010 with my boyfriend as part of a massive romantic Valentine's weekend, then the next day with a group of friends from college.
I should have been sitting next to you that second time. I wanted to be cuddled up in the Curzon cinema together, with your arm around me instead of her. Instead I sat with the girls in the row in front of you, then after the movie you said loudly: "yeah that was a good film, but Taylor Swift ruined it!" and I shoved you into the wall. Good times. x

I got an early birthday present today. My grandparents took me out for the day and bought me a silver Pandora bracelet, and a teeny silver charm in the shape of a ladybird. It's so beautiful, and I am so spoilt. I hated it when we left the shop though, because my Grandad (my favourite person in the world) said "Now you have something to remember us by when we're gone." I wish they wouldn't talk like that. x

I secretly love it.

You have the strangest effect on me. I get that warm fuzzy feeling people always talk about. I smile whenever I hear your voice. I could think about you all day.
But also... You make me say funny, witty things. You make me laugh. You make me want to do crazy things.
Today I was passing by a shop, then suddenly ran inside and bought the DVDs of "500 Days Of Summer" and "Valentine's Day", just because I was thinking about you. Then I bought a blueberry muffin and sat on a bench to revel in my rose-tinted haze. I got a text from the cute college guy I fancy, and put off replying to it so I could reminisce and daydream a little more. You mess with my priorities. You give me hope. You call me randomly and make my day. You forgave me. Thank you. x

Monday, 11 July 2011

I don't fantasize... Much.

I'm not a girl who spends her spare time concocting crazy, unrealistic, grand-scale fantasies. I know better than to let myself want anything out of my reach, and I know how to keep both feet on the ground. Instead I just dream up the best possible outcomes of actual events, and let myself imagine what it would be like if something went right.

My most recent fantasy is not becoming rich and famous, marrying my soulmate and having a blissful life in pure luxury with our gorgeous children and fortune of multi-millions.

It's me driving 33 miles this Saturday, picking up a certain boy in my car and bringing him to my birthday party. Chatting happily on the journey to my house, setting up decorations and party food together and arguing over what music to play.

I know deep down that this is just as unrealistic as the marriage and multi-millions fantasy, but... A girl can dream. x

Monday, 4 July 2011

I don't regret loving him. I don't regret anything I did with him. I don't regret breaking up with him.
I regret being a horrible ex-girlfriend. I regret spending the last six months living on my memories of us. I regret lashing out at a perfectly lovely girl. I regret writing a few of those nasty blog posts.
I don't regret saying Hi to the two of them that day. I regret hanging around long enough after saying Hi for things to get awkward.
I really hope I haven't ruined his memories of me.
I am really sorry, and believe it or not... I think that if you weren't with him, maybe if I'd met you under different circumstances, you're a person I'd really like to be friends with. x

Saturday, 2 July 2011

I'm not that girl.

I've never had one of those relationships where you spend what seems like every waking hour together, stay round each others' houses every night and write cute messages on each other's Facebook pages. Am I missing out?
My best friend has a boyfriend who practically lives with her; she goes home from college and he's already in her bed watching her TV and eating her food. She keeps hair products and clothes for him in her dresser drawer, sometimes on the way home from college she'd pick up some custard tarts for him at Sainsbury's and she doodles his name in hearts in her notebook.

I was never, ever that girl. My ex (you're probably sick of hearing about him, but I'm making a point here) had to bribe me with After Eights to get me to change my Facebook status to "in a relationship". I would only see him once or twice a week, I never wrote anything cute on his Facebook, and I made him keep public displays of affection to an absolute minimum. If he kissed me at the cinema I'd only let it last a few seconds, because I didn't want to miss any of the film. I once said we couldn't have sex because my cat was asleep on my bed.
My friends used to ask me: "are you sure you're actually in a relationship with this boy?!"

To tell the truth, I think I was more affectionate with my girl friends at college... And my best guy friend. I used to sit on his lap - something I refused to do with the ex. I would happily kiss him on the cheek during lessons and he'd put his arm around me when we were sitting with our friends. I'm not sure if this was just about that particular guy (he was pretty damn special) or if I'm just a bad girlfriend. For some people, the only way to be in a relationship (or be in love) is to have pet names, spend every night together and talk about getting married someday.

I guess I'm not that kinda girl. x

For all these gems and more, follow me on Twitter.@beautblues. x

Friday, 1 July 2011

Bought two new rings today. Do I have enough now? x

I'm fine.

When I'm not in one of my frequent fits of jealousy and depression, I sometimes feel this overwhelming sense of peace and serenity, and finally... Some perspective.
I realise that not only is an ex moving on an inescapable fact of life, it's also a good thing. They're happy, and they've found someone who is good for them - maybe even better than I was. Also, their new partner might appreciate them more than I ever did. I took him for granted for about 90% of the time, and this girl seems to genuinely love the fact that she has him in her life.

That's not to say my jealous, wistful ex-girlfriend character won't appear now and again, reminiscing about that 10% of the time when I looked at him and thought to myself: "wow, I'm the luckiest girl in the world!" But I promise that I'll try to keep that part of me quiet from now on.

I think ultimately we're all meant to be with someone, and sometimes we're meant to be with several different and equally wonderful people along the way...
I wish the best for you both. Keep him smiling for me sweetie. x

PS: I'm sorry!

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