Thursday, 1 December 2011

My worst fear (II).

It's not spiders, the dark, being attacked on my way home at night, escaped mental patients or house fires... I live in fear of being a bitch.

There have been so many times in my life (especially recently) when I've been known to say: "oh no, I can't do that, it'll seem bitchy", or "I shouldn't say that, I'll look like a bitch", etc. Believe it or not, I am extremely cautious about what I say or do, just in case someone takes it the wrong way, or in many cases someone finds a way to interpret/twist it the wrong way, to their own advantage. I only publish about 4/10 blog posts I write, purely for that reason. If there's one thing I've learned over the past year, it's that people can manipulate anything you say or do to make you appear to be someone you're not.

It's not a case of caring too much about what other people think (THAT is a whole other can of worms), it's more like a desire to keep my composure and ensure that if someone chooses to complain or gossip about me, it's for a real reason, rather than just being based on something they twisted, exaggerated, or simply made up.

I will not have a serious discussion or argument via text or Facebook mail, because if I do whatever messages I send will be saved and quoted back at me someday, or whoever I'm corresponding with will show them to their friends and get more people onside against me. There's also the whole "if you've got something to say, say it to my face" thing. I am a firm believer in that, of course, but also I feel that if you say the words in person, they have more of an impact and they can't be retrieved later for the purposes of vengeance or blackmail.

I am constantly envious of my more feisty friends. I'll walk away from a confrontation (I seem to have had a few of those recently), and tell my friend about it, blow by blow, and she'll say "wait a minute, you actually let him/her talk to you like that?! Please tell me you stuck up for yourself!" I always think: "I try to stand up for myself, but I'm too afraid of sounding like a bitch..."

So there we go. All I can really do at this point is hope that you realise just how badly I don't want to sound like, act like, or in any way be a bitch... x

2 comments

  1. We, including us more emotional guys, have this too. Especially me! You're not a bitch, I mean we haven't even met, but through reading your blog each day, I've come to understand something - you are one of the nicest girls I know (metaphorically speaking.) Its crap when we feel like this though, because we want to say something, but we can't! I had this problem tonight you see, about an hour ago actually :S Life's a bitch... <3

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  2. I'm very similar. Though I tend to argue back if someone hits a nerve...

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