Friday, 4 May 2012

I'm only me when I'm with you.

I would like to introduce you all to the many different versions of myself, all of whom present themselves typically over the course of one week depending on social circumstances and environments.


For example, my most famous alter-ego is known as Drunk Gracie. I've been told that Drunk Gracie is a lot of fun; she dances freely and almost sensually, talks nonsense, kisses everyone on the cheek, shares all kinds of intimate information and tells personal stories. She will never "get with" anyone at the club, however. You can find her either in her friends' kitchen, outside with the smokers, staggering along the road, in a club or bar, or most likely in her bedroom at the end of the night (snuggled up, eating Dominos pizza and watching Easy A). When you first meet her she will be drinking only her drink of choice, usually some form of cheap coconut rum or whiskey, then as the night progresses you will see her ordering shots for everyone and minesweeping other people's drinks. She likes to dance, and has a unique style of dancing which involves ducking her head, wiggling her hips and sipping her drink through a straw.


Another alternate version of myself is Sleepy Gracie. She also enjoys talking nonsense and sharing intimate information and telling personal stories, however she is not to be confused with Drunk Gracie. Where Drunk Gracie will dance and sing all night long, full of boundless energy until the inevitable crash, Sleepy Gracie will drag out her very limited energy for as long as she possibly can before giving in to the embrace of her bed. You can call her in the middle of the night for a serious talk, or if you're lucky enough to be invited into her bed, you can ask her anything and be guaranteed a truthful and brutally honest answer. This is a very rare opportunity: use it wisely. Sleepy Gracie will also never argue about what programme you want to watch on TV, steal any of your food, or stop you from borrowing her laptop. She's good-natured and obliging. Nothing like boring wide-awake Grace.

One of my favourite "Me's" is Writing Mode Grace: note that she is not a Gracie, she is a serious i-less Grace. When Grace gets into her Writing Mode, do not cross her path. Not because she is scary or vicious in any way, rather should you bother her during such a crucial time, you impose the danger of her losing track of her thoughts or the perfectly-crafted sentence she had formed in her head. Grace attaches herself to her desk and writes until her mind runs dry. Only once or twice has she emerged from her bedroom when in Writing Mode; once to retrieve her laundry and so locked-in to her writing that she put herself on autopilot and ended up with wrinkled clothes strewn all over her bedroom floor. Writing Mode Grace enjoys a desk drawer fully stocked with chocolate, biscuits and Pringles, as well as a cup of tea or carton of Innocent Smoothie. Compliment her writing and she will love you forever.

My least favourite "Me" is Girly Gracie. As much as I try to resist and fight her, she will occasionally appear seemingly out of nowhere and complicate the simplest of things with her super-dangerous girly-feeling powers. Girly Gracie cannot comprehend a world without romance and emotional intimacy. She lives off those moments in films when the girl is chased through the airport or and kissed dramatically in front of a sky of fireworks by her beautiful leading man. She goes weak at the knees at every compliment, and spends her nights whispering romantic ideals into Cool Grace's (see below) ear after she turns the lights off and climbs into bed. Sex is directly linked with feelings. She enjoys painting her nails, eating ice cream, buying earrings, and doodling hearts in her notebook. She believes in soulmates, fate and destiny. She listens to Taylor Swift and shamelessly fangirls over The Script.

Cool Grace is everything I want to be. She spends at least two days a week walking into town with friends to buy alcohol and get one or two new piercings. She has purple hair, eight piercings and may someday get a tattoo. Her best friend is buying her an Obey snapback for her birthday. She wakes up after 1pm every day, sits around in her underwear while on her laptop for hours, and cooks a beastly veggie chilli. She believes in soulmates, fate and destiny. She is constantly at war with Girly Gracie. She doesn't care about romance or emotional intimacy, she just wants a gorgeous boy in her bed a few nights a week. She wants to be the casual, chilled out and laid-back girl that all guys want to be with; no complications and no messy feelings involved. And bless her, she tries her best.


Of course there are many more of these alternate Grace's; I've barely touched on Angry/Sad/Depressed Grace, Pushover Grace, Bedroom Gracie, Pessimist Grace, or Hometown Grace, but they are versions of myself that I am even less proud of than Girly Gracie. The above people are the ones most commonly known and whom I'd want you to meet.

The most dangerous yet rewarding combination is Drunk Gracie and Sleepy Gracie; when those two join forces, you have to be very careful what you say - because she sure as hell won't be.

I can also change and shift between these individual characters depending on who I am with. Those I am closest to will know all of the above mentioned all too well, and a select few get a unique mix of these and other versions of myself specifically crafted and used when I am with that one person. Sadly, some people can only ever spend time with Default Grace. I won't even go into detail with her, she's too boring.

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