Friday, 1 June 2012

The blank pages and everything in between.


What do I want?

Is it normal to know what you want when you're eighteen? No, I would think it's severely abnormal to have your life totally planned out and all your goals set in stone when you're only just old enough to buy a bottle of vodka. It just doesn't seem possible. For me, thinking ahead can vary drastically; usually between what I'm going to wear tomorrow, where I'm going to be come September, and who I'm going to marry one day.

So far, these are the only things I know about my future: I am going to wear jeans and my owl T-shirt tomorrow, in September I will be in a big red house around the corner from my university (which my housemates and I have now named Cafe Rouge), I am going to get my degree and become a writer, and I'm going to marry my best friend. Everything in between these events are blank pages, like the pages at the end of the exam booklet that say BLANK PAGE on them for some unknown reason.

I have a seemingly unique disorder in that every time I think I know what I want, exactly what I want, it suddenly changes. One day I will be convinced that I want to move to Paris, by the following week I'll be looking up places in London. I'll say I don't want a relationship, and then think about just how wonderful it would be to have someone to call randomly just to say "I love you". I'll be absolutely certain that I need a night out, then as I'm walking into town half-pissed and laughing with friends I'll realise that all I want is to snuggle up in bed and watch trashy TV with a mug of soup. Maybe I'm just hard to please.

Does it matter what I want?

It took me years to realise what I wanted to be (profession-wise) in the future, but when I finally decided for real that I want/need to be a writer, it dawned on me that this had been my only option all along; since I was seven years old and filling up countless notebooks with my dopey little stories and make-believe news reports, since I was writing poems and song lyrics in my Maths textbook at school, since I was writing in a new diary every week. So now I am finding myself wondering if these life decisions we all supposedly have to make are actually already decided for us; I am asking the age-old question "is our life already mapped out, or is it a series of choices?"
As many of you already know, I am a girl who believes in fate and destiny, and that everything happens for a reason. And while I don't think that my life is already completely set out before me by a higher power, what I do believe is that there are a series of subtle clues and opportunities already put in place for me to find and use as I will. I have found myself drifting around aimlessly at one time or another, and often I will get that undeniable sense that something is meant to happen to me to pull me back onto my path. Actually, I'm not even sure there is a path. I just think we are dealt a hand and allowed to do with it what we will.
The moment that yellow motorbike appeared in my peripheral vision was an opportunity, as was the morning I got the phone call from Winchester University to tell me my offer had been changed to Unconditional, and the night I was asked to kiss a stranger. I could have said no to any one of these, and my life might have been completely different.

This is why I will never regret anything; it happened for a reason, and whatever it was made me happy at the time. The last time I regretted something was when I was sitting in my GCSE Art Textiles class, listening to the bitchy girls gossip and pricking my fingers on needles and pins while making a hideous batique dye dress - I was constantly thinking "why oh why did I take this class? I'm miserable, the teacher hates me, everyone in this room is better than me..." And I walked out of that classroom two years later with an A*.

Do I want you to want me?

I go for days/weeks/months thinking I want a simple, uncomplicated, no-strings-attached totally casual relationship (using that term loosely) with someone I am friends with so that the "fun stuff" is just a happy not-so-little bonus. Then for just a brief moment somewhere within the days/weeks/months of simplicity, I think that I would prefer to be in a committed, loving and exclusive relationship (in the proper sense of the word), with someone I really love who would drop everything for me at a second's notice. This train of thought lasts only a few seconds, before I banish it back into the darkest and most pathetic corner of my mind, but still manages to confuse me and completely throw me off my perfect track. While I am definitely not a Relationship Girl, I must admit the idea of such a closeness with someone is somewhat appealing from time to time. However, I am adamant that you should never want that kind of relationship just for the sake of it, or because you like the sound of it; you should want it because you've found the person who makes you want it, the person you want it with. Maybe I'll find them someday. Until then, I'm perfectly happy as I am: casual, carefree and absolutely terrified of being someone's girlfriend.

Would you want me any other way?

I don't think I'll ever change. My opinions and beliefs will always remain the same, unless I have some divine intervention or someone manages to convince me otherwise (yeah, good luck). I just like to stop and question things every now and again. I like to let things happen, too; for instance, I had no idea how this blog post was going to turn out when I started the first paragraph. It may well be the most fragmented, indecipherable and downright stupid piece of ramble and waffle that I have written in a very long time, but hey.

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