As much as I love (and live on) Tumblr, sometimes the anonymous ask button is a curse rather than a blessing. If you have a crush on someone, anonymous messages are a delight. If you're insecure about something, anonymous messages are a death sentence.So today, when I checked my ask box and among the usual question numbers and 'post a naked pic'/'I love your blog' messages, there were a few harsh words waiting for me; I can deal with scathing comments about my relationships or what I choose to post on my page, but seeing that 'question' about my body, or rather the size of my body, it floored me a little.
I've been so happy with myself lately. Before Christmas, in my first semester back at uni, I miraculously went from a big size 12/small 14 to an average size 10. I had a tiny waist, a flat stomach and a hint of that mythical gap between my thighs. All this, and somehow I didn't lose any weight off my breasts. It was magical. I felt better, happier, more confident. I walked tall, smiled constantly and was indescribably elated when I looked down in the shower and saw... Less.
Over Christmas, of course, the inevitable weight gain occurred. I wasn't eating especially badly; more like eating little things constantly in a never ending stream, sitting on the sofa and taking full advantage of mum's home cooking. My flat stomach disappeared, my thighs started wobbling, and my breasts were more fat than womanly. To say I was unhappy wouldn't even begin to cover it.
My New Year's Resolutions were to make amends with people I've done wrong, order pizza maybe once a month rather than once a week, and get back to my lovely pre-Christmas self. I took up running, purposely bought less chocolate/biscuits/crisps and more bran/salad/fruit, and made sure I spent as little time as possible simply sitting in my bedroom doing nothing. I scheduled exercise into my daily routine, and joined two more fitness societies. I looked into a gym membership at uni.
Don't get me wrong, I think size 12 is the perfect size for a woman; as cliche as it is, it's more womanly and sexy than skinny size 6. But having been, temporarily, a comfortable size 10, and seeing how much better and healthier I could look... That's the motivation I needed.
So, to my dear Tumblr anon who has crushed my self-esteem on this, the day of never ending lectures and a hangover from hell, I just want to say: I do want to lose weight, sure. I do reckon I should. Not to make you happy, however. I want to do it for myself. And at the end of the day, when I come home after a mad night out or wake up and get in the shower first thing in the morning, I love being happy with what I see. And you can't put a price on feeling truly happy with yourself, inside and out. I'll keep you updated, Mr/Miss Anon, and I hope I'll make you proud. In the meantime, kindly fuck off.
This is my stomach today, btw.